Recently I had the privilege of spending a month with my grandchildren. As they live 9000 kilometres away from my home, it is unfortunately not an everyday occurrence, so I tried to make the best of the experience – for all of us. And there’s the rub. There are some many opportunities to make mistakes.
When you become a grandparent, you soon understand the absolute joy of the situation: enjoying your loved ones without the whole burden of being the responsible adult in their lives. You get to be silly and indulgent because it is short-term and what is the harm in another ice cream? However, a longer visit forces you to reconsider this notion.
The first thing you need to make clear in your mind is your role during your visit. Are you there to be a tourist, a housemaid or a nanny? The most natural thing of course is to combine all three and shift in and out of roles, but it is essential that you remain conscious of what you can and should (and should not) do in each role.
As a tourist you get to enjoy the sights: the lovely display of perfectly behaved children playing quietly in the corner. You are served ice coffee and home-made meals by your kid because you raised them so well. You are taken to do your shopping, because obviously there is stuff you just have to buy. In this scenario you act the happy guest: you praise and smile, give out stars left and right and stay content with whatever your hosts prepare for you.
You do not demand your speciality coffee that is only available in the mountains of Albania, you do not make helpful suggestions about how not to burn the pizza next time and never, ever complain about not being given enough time, respect and attention. If you must complain about it, you have already messed up, and you should just shut up.
If you choose to be helpful and act the housemaid, you must accept that this is not your home. Do not start rearranging the pantry and colour-coding the socks drawer just because it makes sense to you. Do not presume and act confident, thinking that the basics of cleaning is universal.
Communication is key: a running commentary of what you are doing will give the opportunity to correct your pathway. I am just going to gather this, swipe it down, wash it, take it out, right? Right. Wait! That red thing goes in the yellow box with the stripes! Never ever put it in the green box with the polka dots or the forces of the universe might be forever disarranged! When the inevitable happens and you still mess up, be graceful enough to apologise and do not start muttering about ungratefulness. Remember: you offered to help and nobody is forcing you. If you feel too tired, you can always shift back to your tourist role.
Last but not least: the nanny. After all, the whole purpose of your visit is to see your grandchildren, so naturally you want to spend as much time with them, as possible. However, be aware that you are intruding on the family’s daily routine. The parents have their usual schedule, and they might indulge you out of courtesy, but children are more honest. If a toddler is still sleepy in the morning and clinging to their mother, do not get offended that they refuse to engage with you. Your teenage grandchildren might be more interested in their game or talking to their friends.
Even if you made plans to teach them riding the bike or crocheting, because as a child you learnt these skills from your grandparents, they might have different needs. Buying their attention with yet another toy or candy is really not a feasible solution, especially if the parents wish to limit their consumption. Respect the parents’ need to have some alone time with their kids. Shifting to the housemaid role for an hour to let them enjoy their children might be more help than offering to supervise them while the parents do the cleaning. You need to work your way into the schedule without upsetting it and give your attention as the most valuable gift you can offer.
And you attention is, indeed, the most valuable gift. You should listen to your grandchildren telling you about their game. Listen to your child speaking about the challenges of parenthood and your child’s partner about their hobby. Listen to the neighbour, the friends of the kids and their parents. Listen and gather information. Not to spy, but to understand the complex system of their lives so that for the time of your visit you can be an integral part of it and not an annoying burden to bear. Listen and respect their wishes, choices and preferences even if you do not agree or are used to other ways.
Eventually, the final test of your visit is whether towards the end they start planning your next stay or remain politely vague about it. And if your grandkid frowns when you say goodbye after a month and says: Wait, are you going already?
Judit Horgas
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